you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
