if i can run in heels then i can drive
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
