She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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