you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
All the doctor said was why
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize