Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize