I molested 6 butterflies tonight
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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