i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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