operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
