My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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