He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
