I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
