You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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