Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
