God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize