maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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