she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
