I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
