you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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