I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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