she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
