I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
