ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
