omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize