I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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