remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I woke up under a house in Key West
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
