Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
