So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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