i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
