I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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