Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
