Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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