I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
