i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Success! We fucked roommates!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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