This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I forget how to act sober
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
