the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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