What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
