Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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