My girlfriend figured out who you are.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
