I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
