: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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