I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
