so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
