I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
