You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
