Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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