the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
