There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
