You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
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