i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
