I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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