Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I think my moral compass just broke
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
