the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
