You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
